I Need a Vacation From My Vacation: Learning to Listen Between the Lines
“I sure could use a vacation from my vacation.”
Family vacations have a funny way of testing our patience. Everyone has a different idea of the perfect trip. I have learned that family vacations are less about managing an itinerary and more about managing different personalities, expectations, and emotions. More often than not, I find myself playing the role of planner, mediator, and negotiator to make sure everyone’s needs are met and the vacation is an overall win versus a constant battle.
The same dynamics show up within our project teams. The only difference is that the stakes are higher, the technical issues are more complex, and the conversations about scope and money can involve competing interests from each team member.
That is why Sue Dyer’s Non-Adversarial Negotiation principles have become such an important part of how I approach conflict. These principles have been proven in high-stakes disputes and partnering efforts and align closely with processes like Facilitated Issue Resolution (FIR), outlined in the San Francisco Collaborative Partnering Field Guide.
One principle, in particular, has been on my mind lately: listening between the lines.
Listen Between the Lines
One of the biggest mistakes we make in negotiations is believing people are arguing about what they “say” they are arguing about.
A project manager insists he needs a schedule extension. An owner demands daily schedule updates. An architect pushes back on the need for a design change.
Those are the issues being discussed, but they are not always the issues driving the conversation. Maybe it is about credibility, safety, or fear of failing or losing trust. Or maybe it is protecting a relationship with a client. The stated issue and the real issue are not always the same thing.
I was reminded of this recently while mediating a negotiated agreement. We quickly got to “yes”, but something did not feel right. One side had become unusually agreeable. Their words said yes, but everything else suggested they had simply stopped participating in the negotiation.
Agreement is not always resolution.
Before anything was signed, I called a private caucus and met with each party separately. It revealed what I suspected. An important concern had never been voiced. Had we moved forward without uncovering it, the agreement almost certainly would have fallen apart later.
Silence is not always agreement. Sometimes it is resignation. Top negotiators recognize the difference. As the mediator, it is our job to balance the negotiation to ensure that we can get a durable agreement.
Listening between the lines means paying attention to things other than the words being said. We need to observe tone, long hesitations, resistance, or, in this case, a sudden agreement that comes too easily. Those are all examples of needing to listen “between the lines.”
Most people know how to argue and put up a good fight. When conversations become difficult the mediator needs to slow down and ask a few simple questions:
- What pressure are they under?
- What are they trying to protect?
- What has not been said yet?
Those questions move the conversation away from defending positions and toward understanding perspectives.
Understanding someone’s perspective is not the same as agreeing with it. It simply means seeing clearly enough to build a solution they can actually support. When people feel heard, they are far more willing to work together. After all, people do not argue with what they co-create. This is one of the reasons we use DISC with so many project teams. When we stop assuming intent and begin to adapt our communication, we build stronger relationships and the potential resolutions to conflict are revealed more effectively.
We often think listening is waiting for our turn to speak. Listening between the lines involves being still and observing hesitation, silence, and seeking to understand any concerns that have not yet been spoken. Remember, the conversation people are having is not always the conversation they actually need (or are trying) to have.
The best risk management tool on any project is a team that knows how to negotiate – creating agreements that preserve relationships and keep projects moving forward. We negotiate every day, whether we realize it or not: at home, on vacation, and on construction projects. Whether it’s a family member who doesn’t really care about the activity but needs downtime, or a project partner pushing back on a decision, the skill is the same — listen for what isn’t being said.
If you are ready to level up your team’s communication and negotiating skills, I’d love to help!
~ Louisa
Louisa brings a fresh and energetic approach to DISC training, combining her passion for people with the collaborative methods of OrgMetrics. As a Certified DISC Trainer, she helps construction project teams understand communication styles, strengthen relationships, and work together more effectively. Louisa’s approachable style makes DISC accessible, engaging, and directly relevant to the real-world challenges teams face. She is based in the Livermore, CA, where she enjoys coaching youth sports, volunteering at her children’s schools, and spending time with family.
For more information, please contact Louisa Garrett, louisagarrett@orgmet.com / (702) 466-8722 (cell) or OrgMetrics robreaugh@orgmet.com / (925) 449-8300.