Recently, I was working with two leaders who are individually exceptional but were struggling with their dynamic. They are both talented, strong-minded, warm, articulate, and sarcastic. They both have great skills and are friendly away from work, but they were really struggling with the work relationship. It was difficult to watch them struggle because I believe in them both and they “should” have the skills to navigate this sort of thing.
The problem is that they were terrible at fighting.
Worse – their team members weren’t helping them navigate this struggle. Disagreements around submittals, budget, or strategy that would bubble up would end in frustration. Rather than sitting in the disagreement and working through it until the issue was resolved, things tended to linger or needed to elevate beyond them to get resolved. You could see the team members started “keeping score” of every slight or frustration. The Design/Build team knew when they got something wrong, but didn’t feel they were getting constructive feedback that would result in a path to “yes.” The owner’s representative believed the Design/Build team was pushing for “decisions” without making fully baked recommendations.
I see this from time-to-time collaborative delivery projects. When the Owner selects the Design/build Team, it’s supposed to be a “love match” from the get-go. The fact is that design/build projects are incredibly complex. They say that remodeling your kitchen while you remain in the house is a true test of a marriage. And as my mom used to say, “the best way to stay married is to never want to divorce each other at the same time.”
In any relationship, partners need to learn how to handle conflict constructively and disagree or fight in a way that they can still maintain trust and a positive relationship. Constructive conflict is both essential and necessary to navigate through thousands of decisions and negotiations that must occur for a team to continually align cost, scope, and schedule as you build it.
So how can you maintain constructive conflict within your team?
Follow a few ground rules and make sure to observe them when you are being tested. Remember, character is revealed when things get tough. So lean in, and consider some of my favorite rules and techniques inspired by Victor William Harris’s article called 10 Rules for Constructive Conflict.
Rule 1: Refuse to be Destructive
The fastest way to impact trust is to use negative tactics that tear down your partner. Criticism, defensiveness, showing contempt or disdain, all of these will damage the relationship and make it more difficult to approach a disagreement in a way that you can resolve it.
Rule 2: Build your Skillset
Invest time in training to improve your approach to disagreement. In mediation practice, one of the key ground rules is to use “I messages.” This requires the speaker in a conflict to share only their personal experience of an issue. By saying “I felt _____ when the team surprised me with a new presentation in front of my boss” or “I feel manipulated when the price changes for ____,” the speaker is not ascribing blame.
Other key skills in conflict management include the ability to repeat and validate what your counterpart said: “I heard that you feel like we are applying a strategy when the pricing fluctuates…”, staying calm, modeling good listening where you do not interrupt, or drawing a picture of an issue, can really help you navigate a difficult conversation. Our OrgMetrics team also guides a training based on the DISC Behavioral Assessment called “Building with Style,” which helps teams build rapport and learn how to “flex” their communication so others can hear them more effectively.
Rule 3: Start with Feelings… then move to the Issue
Oof… this can be a tough one for construction! If I had a nickel for every time someone told me “this is not about feelings, this is business” I would have quite a few nickels. It also completely ignores how humans make decisions. The vast majority of us intuitively feel first and make logical decisions second. A negotiation or disagreement is never completely about the numbers. It is really about how the numbers are presented. When we soften the introduction or the complaint, we will be able to navigate the issue more effectively. This is where your third-party facilitator can really help you.
Rule 4: One issue at a Time… a.k.a. Don’t bring up Old Stuff
When things get heated, it’s EXTREMELY easy to slip into the trap of “and another thing….” When we are in the heat of a conflict, it’s amazing how our memory for every slight, frustration, and past issue can get brought up. When we guide Facilitated Dispute Resolution, it is essential for us to break an issue into its key subcomponents and only work one issue at a time. Resolving multiple conflicts at once is like juggling three basketballs and getting thrown a chainsaw… only trained professionals can handle it. When we pour new issues onto one you are working on, the conversation easily breaks down into mudslinging. Capture the new issue, put it on hold, and stay focused!
Rule 5: Attack Root Causes – not Symptoms
Conflict always starts from somewhere. When a team is experiencing repeated conflicts, they can be studied, and you can observe where patterns emerge. You need to be able to define symptoms and separate those fundamental issues. A submittal is a perfect example of this. I will often hear a high-level complaint from the Owner’s team that “the GC is poorly organized and isn’t reviewing their sub’s submittals.” Digging a little deeper we found out the GC is super frustrated because they had used the format that was approved on the previous project with the owner and they assumed it would work for this team, but the engineering team waited the entire 21 days (their contracted duration) to send it back Revise and Resubmit, citing poor organization and formatting errors. Root cause analysis revealed it was the electrical engineer who is understaffed and working on 5 simultaneous projects for the same client. When the issue gets elevated, they can set up a pre-submittal meeting to agree on structure and format to ensure it gets approved by revision 2.
Rule 6: Think Win-Win
My favorite book on this topic is Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations. In this book, author William Ury focuses on how to navigate complex negotiations and understand your own needs as well as your counterparts, so you can walk away with the agreement and maintain a relationship. In order to work through conflict with a counterpart, you need to start with a positive mindset and believe that you will work it out. If you agree that an agreement is essential, concepts from the book like “Building a Golden Bridge,” which is a way to deliver a win that your counterpart can take to their boss, can enable you to go from impasse to positive resolution. We need these tools in the construction industry.
Rule 7: Move Quickly to Solve it
The old adage is “never go to bed angry with your spouse.” On projects, we would lose too much sleep! Instead, the key is to move with urgency to solve frustrations, disagreements, or unresolved conflicts. It is too easy for team members to shift into passive aggression, frustration, and ultimately disdain, which can be a cancer for project teams. Remember, everything that we do and say as leaders is written in dark ink and highlighted for the rest of the team. When two key leaders are unable to disagree and resolve issues, it just makes it okay for others to do the same. So, when an issue arises, move quickly, escalate, or set up a focused meeting.
That being said, it’s okay to take time and walk away occasionally. I’ve supported multiple teams by facilitating complex issues. The ability to caucus and meet individually or to step away for a few days or weeks can allow a conflict to breathe, so everyone is ready to resolve when it comes time to do so. This takes discipline, but it’s better for the team in the long run.
So, if you find yourself on a project with team members who are not getting along, or if they are great people who are struggling with a poor dynamic, please apply these ground rules to the next issues that arise. And, if your team is really getting stuck, give us a call! We love the opportunity to help a team transform from frustrated to high performing through constructive conflict.
-Rob
Rob Reaugh is President of OrgMetrics LLC. He facilitates the City and County of San Francisco Collaborative Partnering Steering Committee and currently works with San Francisco International Airport, San Jose International Airport, BART, Caltrans, and others. He holds a Masters’ Degree in Alternative Dispute Resolution.
For more information please contact Rob Reaugh, RobReaugh@Orgmet.com / (925) 487-2404 (cell), or OrgMetrics, (925) 449-8300.